My carpenter and I

(a phrase to conjure with) visited Pupkewitz Megabuild, touted as the largest hardware and building materials centre in the country, looking for some timber to build a staircase. Paid in advance, as required, and went out to the cavernous yard. Plenty of wood, but after half an hour’s search, not a single straight piece. Eventually got our money back, and found what we wanted at a much smaller place down the road. Frustrating, but when you come to think of it, you would not have expected to find anything straight at Pupkewitz, would you?

PMB is part of the Pupkewitz empire, which used to encompass everything from bedside rugs to cell phones to structural steel. Luckily, South African chains have made some inroads into this, but he still has a stranglehold on the motor industry, successfully lobbying the Namibian Government some time ago to basically ban the import of affordable Japanese used cars. Reason- he has the distributorship, strangely enough of both the leading Japanese marques, so that if you want one of these you have to deal with Pupkewitz Nissan or Pupkewitz Toyota respectively, whose customer policy implies you have to manage the tricky feat of approaching them on hands and knees with the required cash in hand. Well worth the trouble of heading to South Africa and bringing one back (saving yourself a few thousand Nam dollars).

Some say it is not nice to refer to a 90 year old as a thieving c_unt. I respond that this simply makes him a very old thieving c_unt.

As a recent visiting SA stand-up put it: “I had a pupkewitz on a sensitive part of my anatomy, but luckily it received medical attention in time…” Indeed.

All you culture vultures,

hold your breath.

André the Hilarious Hypnotist is coming (back) to Namibia. Yes, this idea of hypnotising subjects to perform tricks on stage to the wild hilarity of a cerebral-challenged audience, last seen anywhere else in the world from the back of a chuck wagon around 1888, is returning to us. And must be illegal anywhere else in the world?
At least on this visit, André is being confined to some of the more obscure village and school halls in the rural parts of the country, whereas last time he occupied the boards of the National Theatre for a week.. one still cringes at the thought. (Whenever I go backstage at the NTN, I gaze at the fading posters of shows performed in years gone by, and wonder what happened). Enjoy.

I'm hoping that the following

a) was not a spoof

and

b) was correctly reported.

If it wasn’t and was, respectively, then the decisions made by the Ministry of Education merit a mention in the Encyclopaedia Idiotica, which lists the most bone-headed ideas of all time. Here for instance we read of the cost saving measure of the Austrian government in 1914, to economise by dispensing with a body of armed guards for their Archduke on his visit to Serbia. This led to the unfortunate Archduke being promptly assassinated, which led to the outbreak of the First World War, which led (among other things) to the annihilation of the Austrian empire.

Back to the worthies at our Ministry of Education, Messrs. Beyleveld and Ankama, who have come up with a brilliant idea for cutting costs: schools will have to pay their own water and electricity bills, and teachers’ salaries will be delinked from their qualifications: yes, you understood it right: teachers will not receive any increase or recognition in respect of further professional qualifications they may be training or studying for, often at great cost and stress to themselves.

There will therefore be now no financial incentive for teachers’ self-improvement – in the example mentioned, an M.Sc. teaching in a primary school will earn less than a three-year diploma holder at a secondary school. Science labs will be curtailed, and computers switched off whenever possible, since they use lots of electricity. Learners will be encouraged to wash less or use less water, to keep down the bills – more risk of hygiene problems or disease? And cynical, bored, or demotivated teachers will turn out thousands more badly educated, unemployable school leavers into society.

I think that will prove more expensive than the Min of Ed’s salary or electricity bill. What do you think?

President Who?

The Sweet and Sour of the Chinese Pres’s visit

President Hu of the PRC arrived in Namibia yesterday, slightly early apparently having cut short his visit to Zambia, not being used to facing protests. The protests planned were over mistreatment of Zambian workers by Chinese companies. People’s opinions, especially those of foreign people, do not count for too much in the People’s Republic.

Anyway, President Hu arrived safely, being greeted at the airport by the obligatory traditional dancing troupe – one being uncomfortably reminded of turkeys celebrating the arrival of Christmas. Because the reason for the visit was not to distribute largesse, as one burbling reporter had it, but to ensure China’s call on commodities to drive its economy. Thus his itinerary, otherwise geographically rather confusing, defined itself: Sudan for the oil, Liberia for the iron ore and rubber, Zambia for the copper, Namibia for the uranium and South Africa for most everything else. At least, President Hu was a bit more subtle than to spend his time visiting the uranium mines, although the main one at Rossing is spectacular enough.

The amounts of ‘largesse’ involved are hardly massive – N$30 million (less than US$ 5 million, for ‘projects’, and a similar amount as an ‘interest-free loan’).

What would President Hu made of Namibia? It’s difficult to say: the 40 degree sun blazed down, and the both the flags and the scrub grass wilted by the roadside.

There still remains the impression, as voiced by a BBC listener, that China is mostly or exclusively interested in sourcing its raw materials from Africa while in return opening lots of no-name shops which sell Chinese products, such as shoes which fall apart on the first walk and can openers which succumb to the first tin of beans. China can of course make very good products, when the price is right.

But there is no doubting that China is the country of the future, and will be a superpower when the US is forgotten (as it was a civilisation before the West was even thought of). And it’s true that the great Chinese exploration fleet discovered Africa seventy years before the Portuguese (but don’t add the part that they sailed around Africa without really stopping – not too much of interest there – and that the admiral was fired on his return for wasting time exploring useless foreign countries).

So we need China, and thankfully, due to U308 , they need us. Greetings and welcome.